To Whom It May Concern
A candid reflection on my struggle to find work these last few months and what it feels like where an unemployed status seems to be sticking around.
I find it difficult to define what I do, and find this a contortion in conversation when asked ‘what do you do?’
I can tell you what I am trying to do, but I can’t tell you what I do or what title I sit behind because this currently does not exist.
But it wasn’t always like this.
In 2016, I trained as a teacher. It was a very difficult journey to get there, largely because my Dad died during that time, but mostly because teaching is just incredibly hard. I worked relentlessly and was in a constant state of exhaustion.
There were good days too. There were moments when the students made it feel like it was worth it. It was always and only ever about them. Sadly this didn’t outweigh the stress, constant over-time, poor pay, toxic management, unrealistic expectations and the overwhelming feeling that no matter how much you did, it was never enough. On most days, I fantasised about being elsewhere and wondered what I could do, if I weren’t teaching.
However. What I had was a sense of purpose, direction, and empowerment. I was good at my job and I had a clear structure and routine to my every day.
Fast forward to present day, and I struggle to find my purpose, I have to create my direction and this is the least empowered I have felt in a long time.
When we change our lives, there are things we both lose and gain.
There was a part of me that knew all this was ahead. Knew that I was re-routing my direction, going off piste, and searching for what I had a deep longing for- freedom, flexibility, and simply to find out what else I could do with my life. And more so, what I wanted to do with my life.
At first the excitement at what lay ahead felt good. I would have little moments of giddiness, like popcorn popping. The flight of energy taking off in me at the thought of moving away and starting something entirely new.
After months of trying to create my own luck and be proactive in my search for a new beginning, this initial buzz has diminished. I now live in the irony of spending many hours a week searching for a job, that in itself feels like its own job. It has become increasingly hard to muster the strength every day to open the laptop once again, and search for work in a multitude of ways.
As of late, I ask myself more and more, do I retrain and go back to school? Pay for an accredited course? Learn by experience? Keep hacking away and something will give. Keep networking and sending applications, hoping that one will stick.
The questions that I continue to wrestle with are:
Why is it so difficult to find work when I was a skilled teacher? (With so many transferable skills in my pocket)
When there isn’t necessarily one singular thing calling you, how do you decide what you want to invest your time in doing? (when there may be a number of things you want to do)
To my surprise, I have met many others in my position. I perceive everyone else as being more successful and having their lives so nicely stitched together, their accomplishments being received as astronomically good. And yet, we have shared our struggle in not being able to find work despite our prior experiences. We have all laughed and cried at this. Though at least, this is done together. The question keeps looping back to us all- Why is it so hard when we can offer so much?
Each day I pull out the chair and set myself down with my coffee next to me, Radio 4 on in the background, and with a withering confidence, I give myself a quota of jobs or companies to apply to. I have a long template of personalised scripts for each company, highlighted codes that represent how I have followed up from step one, a full library of video content where my face appears again and again like a strip of film, and a growing set of pitches for each company. As of late, I am trying to gather pieces of work to evidence my experience. After this box has been ticked and I feel like I have done my duty and the etchings of purpose have faintly appeared, I move onto creating content for my website, provide it with some nourishment and simultaneously carry out research to inform the content itself. Whilst doing this, I will become acutely aware of how much I need to learn and will research courses and inevitably bookmark at least two.
There is an intended method to this very possible madness, though I am open to being told of a far better way.
Fortunately, there have been some small developments and some collaborative projects that have come from my persistence in reaching out to individuals and companies. Though I am becoming acutely aware of the months it has been since I have been paid, and this cycle of existence. This cycle of clinging on and living in a state of either rejection, or silence.
I suppose what has been difficult to swallow, is not necessarily that I am not the right person for the role (have we all not started somewhere?), but the issue of crafting my bundled efforts to get a job- all to stand out from others, fails to open the door, even so slightly.
This leads me to my next question. How long can I endure this for?
And so, a deadline is starting to feel like a logical solution. Keep going until ‘X’. I do have a rough plan with this eventuality but I suppose there is also the bruised sense of self in all this. My difficulty and so far impossibility in gaining employment, has caused me to carry some of my own shame. Shame that I have ‘failed’ in this, shame that I may look back in X amount of time and my list of achievements will be small. It will feel meagre and slight. I may feel meagre and slight.
The search continues, but the days of job searching are numbered. When we change our lives, there are things we both lose and gain. I will keep striving for change and hopefully, in the not so distant future, I will not be looking for purpose. I will have it.
In the meantime, job applications call…